INTERNATIONAL WATERS— Tech giant Microsoft announced that after their colossal purchase of Activision Blizzard, they have moved the company headquarters to the middle of international waters.
“We understand and acknowledge that Activision-Blizzard has had some controversy, and we want to rectify that immediately,” Microsoft CEO Satya Nadella said. “With their new office upgrade, everything they have allegedly done is now completely legal. Ethics are very important to us, so we wanted to make sure to set Activision-Blizzard up for success in an environment they feel comfortable in, specifically a lawless territory where depraved and sinister behavior is commonplace. If expansion goes as planned, we even hope to open another Activision-Blizzard office in Iraq.”
Microsoft customers have already taken notice of the company’s new progressive decision.
“I only like to support good companies, so I’m really glad Microsoft is clearly taking steps to make sure Activision’s and Blizzard’s behavior is technically not illegal,” said customer Kenny Ballinger. “I was appalled by Activision-Blizzard’s horribly toxic workplace, but as long as I can’t physically see it, I’m fine with just pretending it doesn’t exist. Plus, maybe we’ll actually get some quality of life updates to their games if they aren’t constantly bogged down by lawsuits and harassment trials.”
While Activision-Blizzard employees were initially surprised, many are beginning to come around to the new workspace.
“I was apprehensive, but when I saw my four-maiden signing bonus, I changed my tune,” Blizzard executive Michael Stone said. “We’re all paid exclusively in maidens and ale, which we used to have to bring from home at the last office. It’s not all benefits though. I’m still in the hazing period where I have to show up to work sober for the first two weeks.”
At press time, Activision-Blizzard sources noted that they were also going to address some controversy by changing Bobby Kotec’s name to Cassidy.